A Redditor
wrote. "I was deeply indoctrinated from birth, but I woke up and got out.
Things were great for a while, but then I regressed psychologically. I’ve been
attempting to self-deprogram with the help of books/online resources and a
standard talk-therapist, but its not enough. ... I want order and
stability and peace of mind....but I’m realizing I don’t know how to obtain
those things by myself...I don’t even know what those things look like in the
real world. Will I ever feel grounded again?" And more. At the behest
of another Redditor, she approached me for suggestions. So here we go:
Buckle your seat
belt. But also figure that just reading through all this and looking into the
"rabbit holes" at each of the links will likely begin to deprogram
your mind to some extent. Because information IS power, especially when it
comes to climbing out of the trance set in place with mountains
of DISinformation.
"...disturbingly
intrusive thoughts (and occasional night-time audio-visual hallucinations)..."
Yes. These are two of the symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder often conferred
by exposure to the cult's manipulations including intentional confusion to
create never-ending cognitive dissonance, double-binding, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, invalidation of what the child can
see, hear and sense, relentless criticism, shaming (for "sins"),
ridicule and embarrassment via public confession, scapegoating and
non-stop conditioning, in-doctrine-ation, instruction, socialization,
habituation and normalization to Learned Helplessness, Dread & the Victim Identity.
"...this entirely
different person living inside me [and] they’re just torturing me for fun..."
Richard
Schwartz's Internal Family Systems Model and the concept of Dissociation developed by Richard Kluft, Frank Puttnam
and Ono van der Hart are in play here: All forms of repeated, relentless mental
trauma (e.g.: being a prisoner of war, which is very close psychodynamically to
having been raised in a thought control cult) grossly distort the normal IFSM
into "dissociated," "split off," mutually
unconscious, internal parts on Stephen Karpman's famed Drama Triangle. The cult-controlled child is forever the
Victim of the cult's Rescuing and Persecution in a set-up that keeps that child
locked into Learned Helplessness & the Victim Identity.
"...there’s nothing
left of me underneath it all..."
Actually, there is,
but the cult has buried the child's innate ability to use its eyes, ears and
senses in general to see, hear and feel what IS vs. what is NOT
(which is what the cult in-doctrine-ates, instructs, socializes,
and and normalizes in the child's mind to the overwhelm and
exclusion of those genetically conferred sensory capacities.
Can the process be
reversed? Fortunately yes. But it will have to be done with the hands-on
-- or at least published -- assistance of those who understand the cultic coercion process, and how it is applied by the
particular type of cult involved (e,g,: Asian-style meditation,
Fundamentalist or Pentecostal pseudo-Christian, high-tech "human
potential," political extremist, etc.). As well as Complex PTSD and
mind-scrambling via intentional Cognitive Dissonance and resulting Dissociation. To
that end, please see the following:
How can I Recover from Complex PTSD caused by a Hindu Cult? (which
includes a detailed explanation of a particular method across several replies)
Dis-I-dentifying with Learned Helplessness & the Victim
I-dentity (see also not-moses's answers to a replier's questions
there)
It is also helpful to
understand the following:
Why charismatic
Pentecostal “talking in tongues” is rejected by most other Xtian sects in
not-moses’s reply to the OP on this Reddit thread
The Unquestioned Power of the Priest or Guru... ...as
explained in Eric Fromm's classic Psychoanalysis and Religion
I suspect that
several of the books in A Basic Cult Library will be helpful, as well those in
section six of this Reddit post on recovery from Complex PTSD in
general.
But if I was asked
to tell you which three books are likely to provide the most immediate benefits
for you in particular (not necessarily anyone else looking on here),
I would answer...
Bonnie
Zeiman's Cracking the Cult Code for Therapists: What every Cult Victim
wants the Therapist to Know,
Janja
Lalich's Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive
Relationships,
Alice Miller's The Body Never Lies and The Truth Will Set Your Free, and
Arielle
Schwartz's The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining
Emotional Control & Becoming Whole.
(I am, btw, in the
16th year of my own recovery from having been raised
"spare-the-rod-and-spoil-the-child" Pentecostal with childhood
conditioning to masochistically codependent submission to authority... and having been
a participant in three major human potential cults including est and the CoS.
If interested, see my reply to the OP on this Reddit thread.)
What are a few books you would recommend on this subject? I come from a highly controlling Pentecostal background. I joined a fundamental Baptist church later in life and have recently left.
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