Pair A Docks: Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder (CNPD)

This material was originally posted two years ago on Reddit at this location, where it was substantially revised 03-25-2021.

Compensatory narcissism is by far the most common type of NPD (see ScienceDaily and Kowalchyk, Palmieri, et al below, which fully supports my direct experience with NPD and AsPD pts for almost two decades). So much so that it seems normal to many (most) people in any authoritarian, dominance-and-submission-oriented sub-cult-ure.

And to anyone familiar with the developmental histories of as many of them as I have become since 2005, it's way obvious to me that CNPD is a collection of defense mechanisms that can become conditioned, instructed, socialized and normalized into the brain's default mode networ k to attempt to deal with having been raised by an NPD parent (or principal caretaker) who

a) physically neglects,

b) emotionally abandons, and/or

c) invalidates the reality of a child,

d) usually in the first five years of life, and

e) models the pseudo-self-empowerments of "righteous rectitude."

Otto Kernberg discussed all this in his seminal book, Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism all the way back in 1975.

I have seen it in females, as well as males. Though females tend to display CNPD in a polarized "borderline organization" (a.k.a. "splitting," see not-moses's reply to the OP on this Reddit thread) along with stress-induced decompensation to temporary Learned Helplessness & Victim Identity far more often and noticeably than males with CNPD. Females with CNPD can be expected to flip back and forth from assertive "fight" to "flight," "freeze" or (very occasionally) submissive "fawn." Most males with CNPD tend to "fight" (intimidation is waaaay typical), moving only to very covert "flight" if they cannot win (be dominant).

Most males and some females with CNPD tend toward being -- not are far from always -- physically large, pushy and noisy, btw. Bullying -- verbal as well as physical -- is very common in this PD. Rage IS a Stage... that marks the narcissistic frustration of the "terrible twos," and the person with CNPD seems stuck in it. They are almost always, however, "right about everything" and sure that everyone would understand that if they would just "shut up" and listen to them. Which is almost always exactly what one or both of their parents did NOT do, making them frightened, frustrated, insecure, rageful and in dire need of some way to suppress, repress or even dissociate the symptoms of their c omplex post-traumatic stress disorder however they can.

Hurt people hurt other people.

A suggestion vis confirming your suspicion: If you run into someone who acts that way, gently find out what their parents were like. In my experience, one or both parents were the same way, though one may have been a doormat the current CNPD person wants no part of being.

Resources & References

New York University: Narcissism driven by insecurity, not grandiose sense of self, in Science Daily, March 25, 2021.

Mary Kowalchyk, Helena Palmieri, Elena Conte, Pascal Wallisch: Narcissism through the lens of performative self-elevation, in Personality and Individual Differences, Vol. 177, July 2021 (March 2021 online). DOI: 10.1016/j.paid.2021.110780

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Otto Kernberg's Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism

Sharon Ekleberry"s Integrated Treatment for Co-Occurring Disorders: Personality Disorders and Addiction

Patricia Evans's Controlling People

George Simon's In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

Patrick Carnes's The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

Sam Vaknin's (excruciating but seminal) Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited

Theodore Millon & Seth Grossman's (technical but deeply illuminating) Overcoming Resistant Personality Disorders