Intimate Relationship: How to Tell a "Keeper" from Someone who Isn't

Because of the misunderstanding reflected in in some of the early replies to this article when it was originally posted on Reddit's Codependency sub, may I make it clear that this is about romantic partner, employer-and-employee, coach-and-player and other adult-to-adult relationships. And NOT about children being neglected, rejected or abandoned by their parents. (That several people did that on this particular sub does intrigue me, however. Because a lot of people who do not process the grief -- and clear the hurdle -- of having been thus treated by their parents develop unfortunate compensations that cause others to reject and abandon them in adulthood.)

1. A "Keeper" can see, hear, feel and sense what IS, including him- or herself, and you, and they recognize, acknowledge, accept, own and appreciate you and how they respond to you. They KNOW what and who they are either IN or OUT of the relationship... and consistently demonstrate that. ... Someone who Isn't (a "Keeper") can NOT see, hear, feel and sense what IS, including him- or herself, and you, and they are NOT able to recognize, acknowledge, accept, own and appreciate you and how they respond to you. They do NOT know what and who they are either IN or OUT of the relationship... and consistently demonstrate that.

2. Most "Keepers" get along well with their parents and their siblings and do not race around on any Karpman Drama Triangles with them -- or you -- because their parents are relatively healthy, functional and do a pretty good job of seeing, hearing, feeling and sensing them as they are, without insisting that their children be precisely as they require. ... Someone who Isn't (a "Keeper") tends to NOT get along well with their parents and their siblings and does race around on Karpman Drama Triangles with them... and you.

3. Most "Keepers" are who they really seem to be even after the "pink cloud" and the early hormone rush wears off. ... Someone who Isn't (a "Keeper") quickly morphs into something quite different from what they appeared to be during the pink cloud stage.

4. Most "Keepers" are flexible and want to continue to explore and grow. ... Someone who Isn't (a "Keeper") is usually rigid, inflexible and incapable of growing.

5. Most "Keepers" have reached the "formal operational" stage on Jean Piaget's developmental path, which what makes it possible for them to see, hear, feel and sense themselves and you. ... Most who are not "Keepers" didn't make it to that stage, and are stuck in "concrete operational" or -- even (far) worse -- "fantasy operational processing" (in not-moses’s reply to the OP on that Reddit thread) which makes them somewhere between partially and completely blind, deaf, dumb and functionally senseless insofar as the relationship is concerned.

6. Most "Keepers" have reached the third tier of Kohlberg's stages of moral development, which is a further indication of flexibility under stress. ... Those who are not "Keepers" remain topped out in the second or -- (far) worse -- the first tier, and can be counted upon to be either morally perfectionistic or reliably antisocial, as well as some form of narcissistic even when they are not stressed.

7. All "Keepers" have moved functionally through the first five stages on Erik Erikson's developmental path and are capable of functional "intimacy." ... Most who are not "Keepers" hit the wall somewhere along the path and are hung up there.

8. The "Keeper" tends to already know or be able to grasp that "Love is being with what IS in relationship." ... Those who are not "Keepers" cannot and rarely ever will.

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